fighting against feeling....

fighting against feeling

I need to fight against feeling
Struggled deep into nightmarish dreaming
Crawling under fear of desire
Has left me in a web of my own confusion
I want to be with her
But I cannot live up to the idea of her in my own head
Everyone I love I know I can never be worthy
It is only the ones that I despise with the hurt that disposes on me
So I clash and I thrash and I scar mirroring my own onto everyone
Stomping and trampling everyone I walk by
Until the past voices can be silenced
Because they are written in words in a script tattooed all around in my mind
As I travel in time from day unto night
Agonizing weeks of the months where everything changes outside
But have always remained myself from within
I see a smile, a gentle laugh from a pretty face
But it is alluring me into a trap
Where I build up expectation
In visions of false prophecies of a life I can never grasp
It is all a joke in this life that I will be fooled again and again
I am their jester, a dunce to put on display
To see how gullible the ways that I am manipulated
Anxiously anticipating if only one drop sinking through my tear duct
So they know they have pulled another one on me
Happening again and again constantly
So I go under the depths of my heart and my emotions
I am fighting against the feelings
That takes me to nightmarish dreaming
If only to wait for one who won't be fooling
To show me that love and kindness still resides in hearts so loving.

~george ray