We all crave it. We all need it, and when it fades, when people go astray from our lives, our inner circles, we look for the closest fix to find in someone or something. Some people like solitude, I never found much use for it. Some people like to be alone, but when you've grown up in 85% solitude your whole life, with semi-close relationships coming and going so frequently it's hard to find steady emotional ground. Those times, when you're alone, when you just need someone to hold and reach out to, that's when you feed for it the most. I have had many addictions or you could call them obsessions easily as well, but my main kick, my main thrill is being happy. Happiness is a drug, you get it from the cheap thrills with friends getting drunk into a new reality. You lie and manipulate your way into some girls intimacy, you jerk your mind off into oblivious imagination pretending in your own little world that you're something better, that you're feeling something better. But when you crash, when you get down from those highs everything comes down. You can barely focus or function on a steady emotional level, you just want to cry in some strangers arms. You want to say "look at me, look at me!" You want attention, you change your style, change your hair, smile more, be more outgoing, but the loneliness still lingers and not even the worst acid trip can compare to that harsh reality. You talk to yourself when no one's around, telling yourself good things about you. It helps, it keeps things steady but only in preparation for the next cycle or shear disappointment and failure. You chase a girl around, try to get her number, try to get her ultimate attention. Sometimes it's nice not to focus on yourself. And you try to change in every way. Cutting deep and cutting out all the things you hate about yourself until there's nothing left inside. The happiness blossoms at first and goes big and it goes fast. Then you secretly resent her, feeling you had to change just to get close to her not even trusting in your own faith to be yourself. The more we try to change the more it ripples us back into our old selves. Your real self. Then you find ways to make her resent you because you can't let her in through all of the walls. But you can play it any way you want. You can sustain to as much happiness there is left until it is an empty shell. Both play the waiting game to see who will leave first. With all the screaming and the fighting you finally find a way to depart from that resentment. Then you go onto the next fix, the next thrill of meeting someone for another 2 months of happiness. We don't like to admit it, but we all do it. Some move around faster than others. Some of us sulk in desperation, willing to do anything or be anyone to get that next high of happiness. Until the next fix....
~george ray
